Short Crazy Hilarious Jokes for Twitter, MySpace, Linkedin and Facebook! (Enjoy!)

Something To Do When You're Bored:
1. Catch a fly.
2. Put it in the freezer.
3. Wait 10 minutes.
4. Take out the fly, it will be unconcious, not dead.
5. Pull out a strand of hair or a thin piece of string.
6. Tie it around the fly.
7. Wait till it wakes up.
BAM! Your very own pet fly

My 6 year old son was watching spongebob when he turned around and said "Daddy, I know why squidward wears no pants! It's because his winky is on his face.

Boy: ( calls 911 ) hello 911 i need your help!
911: alright what is it?
Boy: 2 girls are fighting over me!
911: -.- so whats the problem about that?
Boy: the ugly one is winning.

Boy- The principle is so dumb
Girl- do you know who i am?
Boy- no
Girl- i am the principles daughter
Boy- do you know who i am?
Girl- no
Boy- good (walks away)

Say, "Do I smell popcorn?" right after you fart. So everybody takes a big whiff.

*Hott Girl's Facebook Status*
"Bored" -86 Likes -54 Comments

*My status*
"Just got accepted into Harvard!" -0 Likes -1 Comment from Mom:"...Nerd"

3 years old: My mom is the best!
7 years old: Mom I love you!
10 years old: Mom what ever!
17 years old: OMG my mom is so annoying!
25 years old: I wanna go back home!
35 years old: Mom you were right
50 years old: I dont wanna lose my mom!
70 years old: I would give everything to have my mom with me!

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.
I almost died in Finding Nemo.

Dad: Why are your eyes so red?
Son: I was smoking marijuana
Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you're a faggot

Everyones keeps teasing me about being so damn lazy. I just can't do this anymore. I think I'm just going to kill myself.
But the gun is like... way over there.

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Missing Cigar

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"

His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."

"Oh come on" replies the bartender.

The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".

The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that".

The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"

Rated Best Joke in the UK!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” 

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”