Short Crazy Hilarious Jokes for Twitter, MySpace, Linkedin and Facebook! (Enjoy!)

Something To Do When You're Bored:
1. Catch a fly.
2. Put it in the freezer.
3. Wait 10 minutes.
4. Take out the fly, it will be unconcious, not dead.
5. Pull out a strand of hair or a thin piece of string.
6. Tie it around the fly.
7. Wait till it wakes up.
BAM! Your very own pet fly

My 6 year old son was watching spongebob when he turned around and said "Daddy, I know why squidward wears no pants! It's because his winky is on his face.

Boy: ( calls 911 ) hello 911 i need your help!
911: alright what is it?
Boy: 2 girls are fighting over me!
911: -.- so whats the problem about that?
Boy: the ugly one is winning.

Boy- The principle is so dumb
Girl- do you know who i am?
Boy- no
Girl- i am the principles daughter
Boy- do you know who i am?
Girl- no
Boy- good (walks away)

Say, "Do I smell popcorn?" right after you fart. So everybody takes a big whiff.

*Hott Girl's Facebook Status*
"Bored" -86 Likes -54 Comments

*My status*
"Just got accepted into Harvard!" -0 Likes -1 Comment from Mom:"...Nerd"

3 years old: My mom is the best!
7 years old: Mom I love you!
10 years old: Mom what ever!
17 years old: OMG my mom is so annoying!
25 years old: I wanna go back home!
35 years old: Mom you were right
50 years old: I dont wanna lose my mom!
70 years old: I would give everything to have my mom with me!

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.
I almost died in Finding Nemo.

Dad: Why are your eyes so red?
Son: I was smoking marijuana
Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you're a faggot

Everyones keeps teasing me about being so damn lazy. I just can't do this anymore. I think I'm just going to kill myself.
But the gun is like... way over there.

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CORNY to the MAX!

- Doc, I think I need to wear glasses - Indeed you have to, you are in a bank.

Riddles

Q- What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A- A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q- What's a mixed feeling?
A- When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q- What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A- Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q- What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A- A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q- Why is divorce so expensive?
A- Because it's worth it!

Q- What is a Yankee?
A- The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

Q- What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A- They both like a tight seal.

Q- What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A- Their balls are just for decoration.

Q- What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A- About three inches.

Q- What's the difference between purple and pink?
A- The grip.

Q- How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A- It's not hard.

Q- What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A- 45 pounds.

Q- What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A- 45 minutes.

Q- Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A- Breasts don't have eyes.

Q- What is the difference between medium and rare?
A- Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q- Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A- They don't have balls to scratch!