Imagine Screwing a Neanderthal... Yeap...

According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman were.

LMFAO!!!....

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" He said that she had. With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

Thats My Seat!

South African Transport

Gimme Head!

A man walks into a bar and sees a man with a tiny head about the size of an orange.

He asks the bartender what had happened to the man.

The bartender says, "Well, he was on a beach and saw a beautiful mermaid."

"The mermaid swam up to him and offered him a single wish."

Unfortunatly, the man replied "How about a little head?"

Never Brag!! :D

4 friends meet 30 years after school. One goes to the loo. Other 3 start to talk how successful their sons became. Nr 1 says his son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a ferrari. Nr 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet. Nr 3 said his son became an engineer, started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle. Nr 4 came back from the loo and ask what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and ask him about his son. He said his son is gay and is a stripper at a gay bar. Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful. O no said the father, he is doing good. Last week was his birthday and he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends.

Bar Joke of the year: Busted!

An Old man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

American and Iraq Soldiers!

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.

They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!'

He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us."


Oh Sh*t! :D (Cheating)Oh Sh*t! :D (Cheating)

Hi honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?” a voice on the other end answer

“No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” The little girl quipped.

“After a brief pause daddy says “but honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”

“Oh yes I do, and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now.”

Brief pause “uh okay then, this is what I want you to do: “Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout to mommy that daddy’s car has just arrived at the gate.”"Ok daddy just a minute…”

A while later the little girl comes back to the phone, “done it daddy.”"What happened honey?”

“Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of the bed naked, ran round the room screaming, tripped over, and knocked her head on the staircase, now she is not moving at all.”

“What about Uncle Paul?” asked Dad.”He jumped out the window into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn’t know you emptied the water last week. He hit the bottom and I think he’s dead.”

Really long pause this time…

Daddy says, “swimming pool, but we don’t have a swimming pool?

"Is this 486-5731?”

“No, this is 486-5713.”

Sorry, wrong number… !!!

Why tell the truth?!

The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?” “I do.”
“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”
“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

Hearing aid, changes will!

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

Best Joke in Canada.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C. 

The Russians used a pencil.

Rated Best joke in the world.. Decide for yourself!

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

The 3 kings! :D

Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"
Little Johnny: "Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king."

Riddles

Q- What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A- A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q- What's a mixed feeling?
A- When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q- What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A- Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q- What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A- A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q- Why is divorce so expensive?
A- Because it's worth it!

Q- What is a Yankee?
A- The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

Q- What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A- They both like a tight seal.

Q- What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A- Their balls are just for decoration.

Q- What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A- About three inches.

Q- What's the difference between purple and pink?
A- The grip.

Q- How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A- It's not hard.

Q- What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A- 45 pounds.

Q- What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A- 45 minutes.

Q- Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A- Breasts don't have eyes.

Q- What is the difference between medium and rare?
A- Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q- Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A- They don't have balls to scratch!

Thought of the day.

Thought of the day: Do you think a camel ever looks down at his foot and thinks "damn!" I have a vagina toe!?

a Real Poker Player!

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!!!

Vending machine Divorce..!

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said: "Your Honor, I brought the child into the world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody".
The judge turns to the husband and says "What do you have to say in your defense?" The man sat for a while contemplating. Then slowly rose.
"Your Honor, if I put a Rand in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, whose Coke is it, the machines' or mine?!"

Animals and Drugs..

A rabbit was hopping through the forest when he came upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit said, “Giraffe, don’t do drugs, Come, run with me through the forest. “The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the joint. He dropped the joint and ran off with the rabbit. They came upon an elephant snorting cocaine. The rabbit said: "Elephant don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest. "The elephant looked at his razor blade and mirror, tossed them away and began running with the rabbit and giraffe. They came across a lion about to shoot up. The rabbit said the same. The lion put down the needle and started to beat the living daylights out of the rabbit. Horrified, the giraffe and elephant asked, "Lion, why are you doing this? He was only trying to help you. The lion answered, “This little fucker? He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy...

Getting off the hook.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. 

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”