My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing? Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.
Girl - baby im wet.
Boy - want a paper towel?
Girl - no, i want more then that ;)
Boy - want 2 paper towels?
Girl - no, baby i want sumthing big and round ;)
Boy - damn you want the whole roll?
Who's the biggest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.
I could never fight a gay guy. I don't know how to start.
"I'm gonna beat your ass... I mean I'm gonna f*ck you up... no, I mean I'm stick my foot so far up your ass.. no, not like that, I mean Fuck you, damn it, I give up...
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to... unless your in prison.
If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires suck cock?
Oh wait... Twilight
Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of glucose.
Student: So you're saying that sperm has sugar in it?
Teacher: Technically. Yes.
Student: But it doesn't even taste like that...
Teacher: what?
Student: what?
Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means?
Father: It means 'to be happy'.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"?
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don’t stop"
For More Visit:
Short Crazy Corny Jokes Part 2
Short Hilarious Jokes For Twitter and Facebook
Chuck Norris... Say No More!!
Top 10 Dirty JokesYo Mamma...
Top 10 Dirty Dirty "Part 2"
Showing posts with label american jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label american jokes. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
Medicare...
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
When The Cats Away...
A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Free Drinks If You Can Make That Horse Laugh?!
One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".
So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".
So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".
Corny Jokes... :D
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...
Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...
Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Redneck Home Security..
How to install a redneck home security system:
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'
5. INSTALLATION COMPLETE!
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'
5. INSTALLATION COMPLETE!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
American and Iraq Soldiers!
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.
They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!'
He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us."

They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!'
He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us."

Saturday, August 20, 2011
Bigger and Better! (George W. Bush)
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States!"
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States!"
How many American Tourists does it take to Change a Light Bulb??
Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.
Only in AMERICA!! :D
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)
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