Short Crazy Hilarious Jokes for Twitter, MySpace, Linkedin and Facebook! (Enjoy!)

Something To Do When You're Bored:
1. Catch a fly.
2. Put it in the freezer.
3. Wait 10 minutes.
4. Take out the fly, it will be unconcious, not dead.
5. Pull out a strand of hair or a thin piece of string.
6. Tie it around the fly.
7. Wait till it wakes up.
BAM! Your very own pet fly

My 6 year old son was watching spongebob when he turned around and said "Daddy, I know why squidward wears no pants! It's because his winky is on his face.

Boy: ( calls 911 ) hello 911 i need your help!
911: alright what is it?
Boy: 2 girls are fighting over me!
911: -.- so whats the problem about that?
Boy: the ugly one is winning.

Boy- The principle is so dumb
Girl- do you know who i am?
Boy- no
Girl- i am the principles daughter
Boy- do you know who i am?
Girl- no
Boy- good (walks away)

Say, "Do I smell popcorn?" right after you fart. So everybody takes a big whiff.

*Hott Girl's Facebook Status*
"Bored" -86 Likes -54 Comments

*My status*
"Just got accepted into Harvard!" -0 Likes -1 Comment from Mom:"...Nerd"

3 years old: My mom is the best!
7 years old: Mom I love you!
10 years old: Mom what ever!
17 years old: OMG my mom is so annoying!
25 years old: I wanna go back home!
35 years old: Mom you were right
50 years old: I dont wanna lose my mom!
70 years old: I would give everything to have my mom with me!

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.
I almost died in Finding Nemo.

Dad: Why are your eyes so red?
Son: I was smoking marijuana
Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you're a faggot

Everyones keeps teasing me about being so damn lazy. I just can't do this anymore. I think I'm just going to kill myself.
But the gun is like... way over there.

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My School Days Are Over!!!

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!" Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

Wrestling Oops...

Only in AMERICA!! :D

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)