Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Monday, May 27, 2013
Imagine Screwing a Neanderthal... Yeap...
According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman were.
My School Days Are Over!!!
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
LMFAO!!!....
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" He said that she had.
With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Desmond's Dog
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Lawyer Jokes!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
His lips are moving.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Short Crazy Corny Jokes!
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
Yo Momma So Fat The Only Letters She Knows In The Alphabet Are K.F.C
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
Failed my biology test today, when they asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"
Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.
What did the blonde say when she found out that she was pregnant?
I hope it's not mine.
Baby, baby, baby ooh!
Mom: *walks in* Are you listening to Justin Bieber?
Daughter: No, I'm watching porn.
Mom: Oh, thank goodness.
I was just told that my dog chased someone on a bicycle and bit him.
That's bullshit, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.
What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?
A full set of teeth!
My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again."
Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.
For More Visit: Get a sneak peak at the Craziest New OS
Short Crazy Corny Jokes Part 2 only to be availible in 2015!
Short Hilarious Jokes For Twitter and Facebook MAARXX Aspire
Chuck Norris... Say No More!!
Top 10 Dirty Jokes
Yo Mamma...
Yo Momma So Fat The Only Letters She Knows In The Alphabet Are K.F.C
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
Failed my biology test today, when they asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"
Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.
What did the blonde say when she found out that she was pregnant?
I hope it's not mine.
Baby, baby, baby ooh!
Mom: *walks in* Are you listening to Justin Bieber?
Daughter: No, I'm watching porn.
Mom: Oh, thank goodness.
I was just told that my dog chased someone on a bicycle and bit him.
That's bullshit, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.
What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?
A full set of teeth!
My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again."
Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.
For More Visit: Get a sneak peak at the Craziest New OS
Short Crazy Corny Jokes Part 2 only to be availible in 2015!
Short Hilarious Jokes For Twitter and Facebook MAARXX Aspire
Chuck Norris... Say No More!!
Top 10 Dirty Jokes
Yo Mamma...
Black Eyes
man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”
The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
For more Short Jokes Visit:
Short Hilarious Jokes For Twitter and Facebook
Chuck Norris... Say No More!!
Short Crazy Corny Jokes
Top 10 Dirty Jokes
Yo Mamma...
The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”
The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
For more Short Jokes Visit:
Short Hilarious Jokes For Twitter and Facebook
Chuck Norris... Say No More!!
Short Crazy Corny Jokes
Top 10 Dirty Jokes
Yo Mamma...
Little Johnny :D
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Dirty Joke! :D
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
For more dirty jokes vizit: Top 10 Dirty Jokes "Part 1"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
For more dirty jokes vizit: Top 10 Dirty Jokes "Part 1"
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
House Hunting
“This house,” said the real estate salesman, “has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are, that there is a chemical plant one block north and a slaughterhouse a block north.”
“What are the advantages?” inquired the prospective buyer.
“The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.” replied the realtor
“What are the advantages?” inquired the prospective buyer.
“The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.” replied the realtor
Silent Ride
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplane rides, but he balked at the $30 tickets.
“Let’s make a deal,” said the pilot. “If you and your wife can ride without making a single sound, I won’t charge you anything. Otherwise you pay the thirty dollars.”
“Good deal!” said the farmer.
So they went for a ride. When they got back the pilot said, “If I hadn’t been there, I never would have believed it. You never made a sound!”
“It wasn’t easy either,” said the farmer “I almost yelled when my wife fell out.”
“Let’s make a deal,” said the pilot. “If you and your wife can ride without making a single sound, I won’t charge you anything. Otherwise you pay the thirty dollars.”
“Good deal!” said the farmer.
So they went for a ride. When they got back the pilot said, “If I hadn’t been there, I never would have believed it. You never made a sound!”
“It wasn’t easy either,” said the farmer “I almost yelled when my wife fell out.”
Gimme Head!
A man walks into a bar and sees a man with a tiny head about the size of an orange.
He asks the bartender what had happened to the man.
The bartender says, "Well, he was on a beach and saw a beautiful mermaid."
"The mermaid swam up to him and offered him a single wish."
Unfortunatly, the man replied "How about a little head?"
He asks the bartender what had happened to the man.
The bartender says, "Well, he was on a beach and saw a beautiful mermaid."
"The mermaid swam up to him and offered him a single wish."
Unfortunatly, the man replied "How about a little head?"
Free Drinks If You Can Make That Horse Laugh?!
One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".
So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".
So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".
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