Urgent Notice:

Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and a few trillion dollars in bailouts for some corporations, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

Polish Divorce:

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so; and, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No," he replied, "we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations are in Poland ."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

LAWYER: "No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "NO, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, 'Polish Remover.' "

A Real Winner:

A blonde goes up to a vending machine to get a coke. She sticks a quarter in and it comes back out, so she sticks it back in and she just keeps repeating that same thing.

Eventually a man walks up and says what are you doing? It's out of order.

She says shh! I'm winning.

Swearing at Work:

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
SWEARING AT WORK

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f____ing problem.

8) TRY SAY! ING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the f___ing h _ll didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

The Volunteers:

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the Chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money.

The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"

Monkey On The Side Of The Road:

A man was driving down the highway in his pick-up truck and there was this lone monkey just sitting along the side of the road.

Confused, the man stopped the truck and opened the door. "You need a lift?" he asked. The monkey just stared back at him and scratched his butt. Eventually the man got out, picked the monkey up, put it in his front seat and started down the road again.

At this time there was a state trooper cruising down in the opposite direction. The policeman happened to see the man pick up the monkey. Knowing that it was not only illegal to pick up hitch hikers, but also illegal to have a monkey, he pulled the man over a few miles down the road. The policeman chewed the man out for picking up the monkey and told him to take it to the zoo immediately. The man agreed and was off.

The next day the policeman saw the man driving down the highway with the monkey again. So he pulled the man over and said, "I thought I told you to take that monkey to the zoo."

"I did," replied the man, "and we had so much fun that today we're going to Sea World!"

9 Types of Girlfriends:

Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn't have."
Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.

Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no- talent SOB! Can't you see you're making me miserable?"
Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps."
Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, or hair colour?"
Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on the front lawn. I've done it before. It's fun!"
Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"
Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you like a crazed weasel."
Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One
Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.

Three Horses:

A man asked an Old Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called three horse"

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered "It old Indian Name. It mean, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

Yo Mamma's So Big ..!:

- Yo mamma's so big, her belly button's got an echo.
- Yo mamma's so big, she can't wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landing on her back.
- Yo mamma's so big, she rollerskates on busses.
- Yo mamma's so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers.
- Yo mamma's so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker.
- Yo mamma's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings.
- Yo mamma's so big, she uses the interstate for a Slip 'n Slide.
- Yo mamma's so big, she whistles bass.
- Yo mamma's so big, that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step.
- Yo mamma's so big, that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most."

Priest and the Dying Man:

The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Fireman in a Bar:

A fireman walks into a bar and waves the bartender down. The fireman asks for a beer and offers to tell a joke about policemen.

The bartender replies in a cocky tone "Look guy... Im a retired cop, that guy shooting pool is a cop, and that guy 2 seats down from you is a cop. You still want to tell that joke?"

The fireman says "No, I dont want to have to explain it 3 times..."

My Mother Taught Me About:

7. My Mother taught me HUMOR...

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...

"You're just like your father."

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...

"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...

"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And last but not least...

12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE...

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like!"

My Mother Taught Me About:

My Mother Taught Me About...

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...

"Just wait until your father gets home."


2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....

"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...

"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...

"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...

"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

When do I start my job?:

Jeb went into the fish market in St. John's to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Newfie, so he decided to set a test for Jeb hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Jeb says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Jeb says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".

Jeb stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go m'bye," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Jeb answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat be 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Jeb so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Jeb stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."

The boss looks at Jeb's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Jeb, "Go on, Jeb, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."

Jeb leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"

When do I start my job?:

Jeb went into the fish market in St. John's to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Newfie, so he decided to set a test for Jeb hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Jeb says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Jeb says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".

Jeb stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go m'bye," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Jeb answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat be 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Jeb so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Jeb stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."

The boss looks at Jeb's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Jeb, "Go on, Jeb, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."

Jeb leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"

Intensive Care:

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Willie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

An Irishman Walks Into A Bar:

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

Gifts For The Teacher.

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "

That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

An O'Malley Coincidence.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why, of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," says the second.

Curious, the first asks, "Where in Ireland?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."

"Of course."

The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" the second man said.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

Mike Tyson! :D

Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!

Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.

For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.

New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!

They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"

Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!

If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?

In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!

Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.

Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!





Wife's birthday and Diamonds.

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

'Oh, I don't know,' she said . 'Just give me something with diamonds.'

That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

Touchdown!!

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man lets rip a fart.

Wifey rolls over and growls, "What in God's name was that?"

Man says, "TOUCHDOWN, I'm ahead, 7 to nothing!!!"

A few minutes later the wife lets rip a Scorcher.

Husband says, "Crikey, what was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."

Three Things to Ponder:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

C O W S

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

Age-Old Riddle.

If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?

School 1958 - 2008

Scenario : Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1958 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2008 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1958 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1958 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario : Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1958 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario : Pedro fails high school English.

1958 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario : Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1958 - Ants die.
2008- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario : Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1958 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Out House Confession.....

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.

For facilities, they had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why...

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!!"





Redneck Home Security..

How to install a redneck home security system:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'

5. INSTALLATION COMPLETE!

"Cutting" Class

"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."

"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

A Battle-Weary American

A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."

Smart Pills!! :))

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, "What is that?"

"They're smart pills," said the other boy. "Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, "These taste like sh*t."

"See," said the other boy, "you're getting smarter already."

Fishing Trip..

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Another Blonde Police Applicant.. :D

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.

Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?"

"Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.

Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?"

"Ummm... 10!" the blonde says.

"Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. "OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

"Ummm... I don't know," she admits.

"Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

"Not only did I get the job," the blonde says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case!"

Out House Confession

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.

For facilities, they had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why...

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!!"

"Getting it Straight.." Booze and Cops.

A cop pulls over a drunk driver.

The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"

"Welfare Mamma."

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that  question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."

All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need  all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL  named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get  them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' 'An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin. 'An' if I need  to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and  says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

Aging is a B*tch..

Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?"

Joe responds "59."

He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?"

Tom responds, "Wednesday."

He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?"

"NINE" replies John.

"That’s right ...now how did you come to that answer?"

"It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"

The Pope and Hilary Clinton!

The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.


The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of yours but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her!

Why America is in trouble! Part 2.

7 A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I couldn't stop laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8.. A Senator's aide called to inqu ire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a Visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes , what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, Ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

Why America is in trouble! Part 1.

A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why America is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown, I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa" Her response - click.

3 A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

The Pope, Republican and Democrat

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat, and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp, then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck, while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!", he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental Activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he sure don't know nothin' about bear huntin! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"





Little Johnny's Magazine

One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was *highly* upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him,

"Well what should we do about this?"

Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

A Hot blond, a fat lady, an american and a canadian on a train..!

An ugly fat woman, a gorgeous young hot blonde, an American man and a Canadian man are all riding together in a train car.

As the train passes through a tunnel, the distinctive sound of a loud slap is heard.

When they emerge from the tunnel, a bright red handprint is on the face of the American.

The fat woman thinks "that dirty American grabbed that blonde in the tunnel and she slapped him!"

The blonde thinks "that dirty American must have tried to grab me, but grabbed the fatso by mistake and she slapped him!"

The American thinks "that Canadian bastard felt up that blonde and she slapped me by mistake!"

The Canadian thinks "I can’t wait ’til we go through another tunnel so I can slap that stupid American again!"





Husband and whife.

Wife: Come help me with the garden.
Husband: What do u think I am? A gardener?
W: Come fix the toilet faucet.
H: What do u think I am? A plumber?
W: Come fix the door handle.
H: What do u think I am? A carpenter?
The husband went out... But when he came back, he saw that everything was fixed... The garden,toilet faucet & the door handle. He asked his wife who had done it?
The wife said its the neighbour's son, but he gave me 2 options...
Either to make him a burger or have sex with him...
Husband: I'm sure, u gave him a burger!
Wife: What do u think I am? McDonalds???

Want some candy..?! :]

Old man stops next to two girls and offers them sweets to get in his car. After a while he gives them more sweets and drives on. A half a hour later the man gives them each a lolipop. The one girl turns to the other and says:"We're going to get diabeties before we get a shag!"

2nd Best Joke in the world!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well, 

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. 

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. 

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. 

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 

Theologically, I can see that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. 

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.  

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

"I'll DO the F*CKIN' dishes!"

Ted buys a harley. The seller tells him, "whenever it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust." And he hands Ted a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. So they take the bike. But just before they go in, She says: "I have to tell you When we eat, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "Okay", he says. They sit down and no one says a word.
As dinner goes on, Ted decides to test the situation. So he reaches over and grabs her boob. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, rips her clothes off, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. But no one says a word. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the table and nails her, then sits down But still, Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Ted remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket... Suddenly the father shouts: "I'll DO the F*CKIN' dishes!"

Never Brag!! :D

4 friends meet 30 years after school. One goes to the loo. Other 3 start to talk how successful their sons became. Nr 1 says his son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a ferrari. Nr 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet. Nr 3 said his son became an engineer, started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle. Nr 4 came back from the loo and ask what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and ask him about his son. He said his son is gay and is a stripper at a gay bar. Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful. O no said the father, he is doing good. Last week was his birthday and he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends.

Bar Joke of the year: Busted!

An Old man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

Kick it and you don't get it!! Naughty farm boy.

Little naughty farm boy goes around the farmyard kicking all the animals. As he sits down for breakfast his mom gives him dry cereal. "I saw you kicked the chicken, the pig and the cow, so for a week, there will be no bacon eggs or milk for you. Just then his dad stumbles over the cat in the passage and kicks it across the hallway. The boy grins at his mom and says "Are you gonna tell him, or should I?"

American and Iraq Soldiers!

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.

They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!'

He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us."


Oh Sh*t! :D (Cheating)Oh Sh*t! :D (Cheating)

Hi honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?” a voice on the other end answer

“No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” The little girl quipped.

“After a brief pause daddy says “but honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”

“Oh yes I do, and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now.”

Brief pause “uh okay then, this is what I want you to do: “Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout to mommy that daddy’s car has just arrived at the gate.”"Ok daddy just a minute…”

A while later the little girl comes back to the phone, “done it daddy.”"What happened honey?”

“Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of the bed naked, ran round the room screaming, tripped over, and knocked her head on the staircase, now she is not moving at all.”

“What about Uncle Paul?” asked Dad.”He jumped out the window into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn’t know you emptied the water last week. He hit the bottom and I think he’s dead.”

Really long pause this time…

Daddy says, “swimming pool, but we don’t have a swimming pool?

"Is this 486-5731?”

“No, this is 486-5713.”

Sorry, wrong number… !!!

Leaving the office Early...! :)

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right
behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early??

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!!

Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way", the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Bigger and Better! (George W. Bush)

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States!"

How many American Tourists does it take to Change a Light Bulb??

Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

Only in AMERICA!! :D

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

Why tell the truth?!

The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?” “I do.”
“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”
“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

Just Calm The F*** Down!!

Hope your all enjoying your weekend!!!

Everyday I'm Shuffling!!!!

Hearing aid, changes will!

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

Little Johnny... Don't laugh! :D

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”
“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?
“I did!” sobbed Johnny.

Best Joke in Canada.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C. 

The Russians used a pencil.

Best Joke from the USA.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” 

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Rated Best joke in the world.. Decide for yourself!

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Jokes, of all kind! is now on Twitter!

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The 3 kings! :D

Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"
Little Johnny: "Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king."

Riddles

Q- What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A- A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q- What's a mixed feeling?
A- When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q- What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A- Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q- What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A- A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q- Why is divorce so expensive?
A- Because it's worth it!

Q- What is a Yankee?
A- The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

Q- What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A- They both like a tight seal.

Q- What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A- Their balls are just for decoration.

Q- What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A- About three inches.

Q- What's the difference between purple and pink?
A- The grip.

Q- How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A- It's not hard.

Q- What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A- 45 pounds.

Q- What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A- 45 minutes.

Q- Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A- Breasts don't have eyes.

Q- What is the difference between medium and rare?
A- Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q- Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A- They don't have balls to scratch!

Epileptic Goldfish..

Man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy."

The vet takes a look and says:
"It seems calm to me."

The man says:
"Idiot, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"

Thought of the day.

Thought of the day: Do you think a camel ever looks down at his foot and thinks "damn!" I have a vagina toe!?

a Real Poker Player!

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!!!

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Vending machine Divorce..!

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said: "Your Honor, I brought the child into the world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody".
The judge turns to the husband and says "What do you have to say in your defense?" The man sat for a while contemplating. Then slowly rose.
"Your Honor, if I put a Rand in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, whose Coke is it, the machines' or mine?!"

Animals and Drugs..

A rabbit was hopping through the forest when he came upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit said, “Giraffe, don’t do drugs, Come, run with me through the forest. “The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the joint. He dropped the joint and ran off with the rabbit. They came upon an elephant snorting cocaine. The rabbit said: "Elephant don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest. "The elephant looked at his razor blade and mirror, tossed them away and began running with the rabbit and giraffe. They came across a lion about to shoot up. The rabbit said the same. The lion put down the needle and started to beat the living daylights out of the rabbit. Horrified, the giraffe and elephant asked, "Lion, why are you doing this? He was only trying to help you. The lion answered, “This little fucker? He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy...

No comment....

I cant tell if its photoshoped or real... :D

Everybody Loves Mr. Chow!

Best Joke from Belgium.. Random!

Why do ducks have webbed feet?


To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?


To stamp out burning ducks

I Slept with your Mother!

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” 

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Best Joke from Ireland! (Its Friday! :D)

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Rated Best Joke in the UK!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” 

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

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Getting off the hook.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. 

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

Chuck Norris slaped a little girl 18 years ago, she's still crying.. Her name is: Justin Beeber.

Its time we started swearing..?!

A 7yr & 4yr old are in their bedroom, 'You know what "says 7yr old, "I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first then you". "OK" says 4yr old. Mum asks 7yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'll have Coco pops, bitch". WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looked at 4yr old & said sternly "and what do you want?”.”Dunno, but it won't be fucking coco pops.”

Son-in-law.

Dad catches his daughter in her room with a vibrator! He asks: ”WTF is going on here?" Daughter: "Dad, I’m not going to get married so it’s not that bad!" One Saturday she comes home to find her father in front of the TV, watching rugby with a beer and a vibrator in his hand. Daughter: "WTF is this?” Dad:" I’m just watching some sport with my son-in-law.”

Quick Exit!

Just Do It!

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Clever kids..

Little naughty farm boy goes around the farmyard kicking all the animals. As he sits down for breakfast his mom gives him dry cereal. "I saw you kicked the chicken, the pig and the cow, so for a week, there will be no bacon eggs or milk for you. Just then his dad stumbles over the cat in the passage and kicks it across the hallway. A boy grins at his mom and says "Are u gonna tell him, or should I?”

Free P*rn?!

Click on it, i know you want too..

http://ourlighterside.com/stuff/freeporn/

World’s cleverest president...

Nelson Mandela, Morgan Freeman, Lionel Messi, Jacob Zuma and a little Chinese boy are on a plane that's about to crash. There are only four parachutes. Morgan says "I'm the world’s best actor so I have to live!" He grabs a chute and jumps. Messi says "I'm the world’s best soccer player!! I have to live!" Grabs a chute and jumps. Zuma grabs the second last one and says "I'm the smartest president the world has ever seen!!! I must live!" And he jumps. Mandela says to the Chinese kid "my boy, take the last parachute, I've lived life to its full potential and you have only begun to live." To which the chinese boy replies: “that’s ok there's two parachutes left, the world’s smartest president just took my school bag!”

Retro Ouma

Ouma goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive Oupa's s.x drive.

"What about trying the blue pill?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," says Ouma.
"He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."

A week later Ouma returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. Oupa jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "was the s.x not good?"

"Oh no doctor, the s.x was the best I've had in 25 years,
but I'll never be able to show my face in Mugg & Bean again."

Jannie Grappies

Die klas moet se wat hulle gaan word as hulle groot is. Almal word polisiemanne, brandweermanne en verpleegsters. Jannie se beurt: "Juffrou, ek gaan 'n biker word." Juffrou se hy moet verduidelik wat 'n biker doen. "Juffrou, ek gaan 'n HONDA ry, ek gaan brandewyn drink en al die girls spyker." Juffrou gee hom 'n séér pakslae. "Jannie, verduidelik nou weer wat jy gaan word!" Jannie antwoord: " 'n KLEIN bikertjie, juffrou." "Nou wat is dit, Jannie?" Hy antwoord: "Juffrou, ek sal maar BMX ry, rooi koeldrank drink en draad trek..."

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Top 10 Dirty Jokes
Yo Mamma...

Similes

‎"Success is like being pregnant, Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times u got fucked to get there"

Garden of Edenvail.

Adam & Eve are trapping around the Garden of Eden kaalgat. Eve checks this lekker apple and she skiems nooit hey, I'm gonna graze it.

Just then a moerse voice from above charfs her. Leave the apple, or I will send an unimaginable plague upon the earth." She kaks herself half Stukkend and loses the apple.

A bit later Adam is trapping along when he gooi's a sharp right and finds this apple. "Bliksem" he skiems. Ah'm gonna chow this thing.

Just then A moerse voice from above chirps him. Leave the apple, or I will send an unimaginable plague upon the Earth, " … Ag nooit hey" he rekons,

"I'm stukkend hungry" and he grazes it. That night he and Eve are in bed, when he hears a knock at the door. He pluks open the front door to hear:

"Eh, sorry baaas, Em looking for a job......" and so the plague began.

Genie in SA

3 men, an Irish farmer, Julius Malema and a Boertjie are all granted a wish by a Genie.
Irish farmer wishes that all the land in Ireland will be the most fertile in the world, forever and ever.
POOF, this was done in a flash and the Irish Farmer was very satisfied.
Malema was next and very amazed and impressed at this display of power.
He started his wish: "I want all the whites to be removed from Africa and a wall must be built around all of my black brothers and sisters to protect them. This wall must be so high and so strong that no whites can come into our land at all.
POOF, this was done in a flash. A great wall surrounded Africa . Julius Malema glowed and glared at the Boertjie triumphantly.
Boertjie said: "Before I make my wish, tell me more about this wall"
Genie: "It's 5,000ft high, 5,000 bricks thick, nothing gets in, nothing gets out, guaranteed"
Boertjie lights up his pipe, smiled and said "Maak hom vol water Boet!"

Smell can tell you a lot!

A blind man went to a restaurant. "Menu sir?" Asked the owner. "I'm blind. Just bring me one of your dirty forks.. I will smell it & order." The confused owner got a fork. The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath. "Yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables.” ”Unbelievable!“ thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. 2 weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to see how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking. He said, "Do me a favor and rub this fork over your privates!!", which she does! He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and says, "Oh interesting..!!! I never knew Brenda worked here!!